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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887483">I’ve Never Been a Natural (All I Do Is Try Try Try)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell'>ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters Re-Watch Fics! Codas, Scene Fills, etc. [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Communication, Episode: s01e03 Dead Man's Party, Insecure Simon Lewis, Light Angst, M/M, POV Simon Lewis, Vampire Simon Lewis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:40:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887483</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“What gave you that impression?”</p><p>Simon shakes his head. It’s beginning to dawn on him that Raphael doesn’t remember, and he isn’t sure if that makes it better or worse. “You told me, the first time we met. The night you… uh…” Simon really doesn’t want to say ‘the night you kidnapped me’, given everything they’ve worked through to put that rather unfortunate first meeting behind them. Simon clears his throat instead. “When I wouldn’t sit still, you said you really hated fidgeting.”</p><p>---</p><p>Simon's kept that one tidbit in the back of his mind the whole time he's known Raphael, and is usually a lot better about keeping still than he's being that night.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters Re-Watch Fics! Codas, Scene Fills, etc. [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108703</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SHBingo 20-21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I’ve Never Been a Natural (All I Do Is Try Try Try)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For my Shadowhunter Bingo Square: Meet Ugly</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Simon is pacing. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, just a nervous habit he’s never quite been able to break. He doesn’t like to sit still and he finds it particularly difficult when something’s on his mind, preferring to wander around a room while he thinks or talks. It gives his brain different things to look at and focus on, rather than getting stuck on any one thing or zoning out entirely - it <em>helps</em>, and that’s all that really matters to him.</p><p>He tries not to do it around others, though, because he knows it can be off-putting or make them anxious while watching him pace. He <em>especially </em>never does it around Raphael, which is why the sudden voice behind him brings Simon’s steps to a sudden halt.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Raphael asks, eyeing Simon carefully.</p><p>Simon tenses. “Nothing. Sorry,” he says, being mindful of the way his body practically yearns to move again, to wander away from Raphael, to go anywhere but where Simon forces himself to stand rooted to the spot. He’s so focused on not pacing that he doesn’t notice the way his hands move just as anxiously as his feet were previously, wringing together in front of him before moving to pull at the hem of his shirt.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Raphael asks, his tone more concerned than curious now. “You’re fidgeting.”</p><p>It’s an observation, but Simon hears the words as an accusation and immediately brings his hands behind his back, clasping them together where they won’t move.</p><p>“Sorry,” Simon repeats, quickly adding, “I didn’t mean to.”</p><p>Now he’s nervous because up until this point he’s done so well around Raphael. He stands still when they talk, sits without shifting around every few seconds when they cuddle even if he isn’t the most comfortable, and lately they’ve been doing more of that - the cuddling. Lately, Raphael’s been opening up to him more and more, and now Simon’s going to go and ruin it because he can’t be still.</p><p>“Didn’t mean to what?” Raphael asks, looking properly confused now as if he and Simon are having two separate conversations. His brows furrow as he looks at Simon more intently than before and Simon shifts a bit under his gaze.</p><p>“Fidget. And the pacing. I’ve been trying not to, and I thought it’d be easier to stop than it’s been, but I’m working on it,” Simon admits, hoping it might help for Raphael to know that he’s at least making an effort.</p><p>“Why would you have to apologize for that?” Raphael asks, and now Simon joins him in looking properly confused. Is Raphael messing with him?</p><p>“Because I know you hate it,” Simon answers almost immediately.</p><p>“I don’t-” Raphael starts, taking a few steps closer to Simon, reaching out to pull Simon’s hands back around to his front before holding them in his. “What gave you that impression?”</p><p>Simon shakes his head. It’s beginning to dawn on him that Raphael doesn’t remember, and he isn’t sure if that makes it better or worse. “You told me, the first time we met. The night you… uh…” Simon really doesn’t want to say ‘<em>the night you kidnapped me’</em>, given everything they’ve worked through to put that rather unfortunate first meeting behind them. Simon clears his throat instead. “When I wouldn’t sit still, you said you really hated fidgeting.”</p><p>Simon watches the realization wash over Raphael at the reminder. Raphael looks upset and Simon thinks for a moment that he’s done something wrong, that maybe he shouldn’t have said anything at all about it. Once Raphael speaks it’s obvious that he’s upset with himself, not with Simon, because his words practically drip with apologetic tones and regret.</p><p><em>“Dios</em>, Si, I didn’t mean it, not like that. You were an annoying hostage and you were making a job I didn’t even want a hundred times more difficult for me. I don’t even remember half the awful things I probably said to you… everything I did for Camille that day I regret, you know that, right?”</p><p>“Even letting me go free?” Simon asks, knowing he’s deflecting from the serious turn the conversation took but unable to help himself.</p><p>“I didn’t do that for Camille,” Raphael points out. “And stop avoiding the point. I don’t care if you fidget. I don’t <em>hate</em> anything you do, Simon, not if it’s part of you and makes you more comfortable. I don’t want you to think you have to change or hide things like that, alright?”</p><p>Simon glances down at his hands, still resting between them in Raphael’s, then back up at Raphael with a small nod. “Yeah, alright.”</p><p>“I mean it,” Raphael repeats. “I’m sorry I ever said that to you, no matter what the circumstances.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Simon reassures him, giving a proper smile for the first time since Raphael got back. He hadn’t realized how much this one thing was on the back of his mind until just now when he felt the relief of it <em>not</em> being the issue he built it up to be lifting off him. “Just promise you’ll tell me if it <em>does</em> annoy you, once I start doing it around you again?”</p><p>“I will,” Raphael promises without missing a beat. “But it won’t,” he adds just as quickly. “Now, are you going to tell me what you were pacing about in the first place?”</p><p>Simon, who enjoys watching Raphael roll his eyes and scoff at Simon’s occasional ‘teenage drama’ like fights with his sister or issues with his band or any number of other things that Simon usually lets bother him way more than he should, eagerly launches into his argument with Clary from the night before.</p><p>As he does, Simon allows himself to pace, as well as gesturing exaggeratedly from time to time, all the while watching Raphael’s face for any signs it’s secretly bothering him. Finding none, (and knowing Raphael has no problem looking annoyed with him if he’s feeling it), Simon smiles despite the frustrations he just vented about.</p><p>“Did I miss something?” Raphael asks from his seat on the sofa where he settled in to listen to Simon’s ranting.</p><p>“No,” Simon says, smiling wider. “Just realizing you’re like, even <em>better</em> than I thought you were, which was already pretty great.”</p><p>Raphael rolls his eyes a bit. “Do you want me to tell you how ridiculous <em>you’re</em> being, or commiserate over how stubborn Clary’s being?”</p><p>Simon laughs a little at that, going to sit next to Raphael on the sofa. “Neither, I’m good,” he says, really meaning it and isn’t just saying it to brush off his worries. Simon presses against Raphael’s side and rests his head on Raphael’s shoulder. “How about you tell me about your night instead?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(Find me on  <a href="http://bytheangell.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a> and also on <a href="http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell">Twitter</a>! &lt;3 )</p></blockquote></div></div>
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